At a Glance
- Some children develop a fear of mistakes that stops them from trying—this is different from laziness or low motivation
- It shows up as avoidance, freezing, over-erasing, or strong reactions to small errors
- It’s usually learned—from adult reactions, praise focused on outcomes, or school environments that treat errors as failures
- Praising effort rather than intelligence makes a measurable difference
- Modelling how to handle mistakes calmly is one of the most effective things a parent can do
- Fear of being wrong is learned—and can be unlearned
When Mistakes Feel Unbearable
Some children avoid any task where they might make a mistake. They erase correct answers, won’t attempt anything unfamiliar, and hold back in class even when they know the material. Getting something wrong feels worse to them than not trying at all.
This isn’t laziness or lack of motivation. It’s a fear of being wrong that has become bigger than the desire to learn.
What It Looks Like
The fear shows up differently in different children, and these patterns often overlap:
The avoider won’t start tasks they might get wrong, refuses new activities, and says “I can’t” before attempting something.
The eraser redoes work repeatedly even when it’s correct, and can’t move on until something looks exactly right.
The freezer goes quiet when called on, holds back in class, and struggles to perform under test conditions.
The exploder reacts strongly to small mistakes, gets upset when corrected, and treats errors as bigger than they are.
The high achiever gets good grades but lives under constant stress, and finds open-ended or creative tasks particularly difficult.
“Praising intelligence (‘you’re so smart’) teaches children that ability is fixed. When they struggle, the implication is that they’re not smart enough. Praising effort teaches them that ability develops.”
Where It Comes From
Most children aren’t born afraid of being wrong. The fear is usually learned — from adult reactions, the way praise is given, and school environments that treat errors as failures.
Adult reactions matter more than parents realise. A sigh before explaining something again, visible frustration when a mistake is repeated — children pick up these signals and learn that mistakes cause disappointment.
How praise is framed matters too. Praising intelligence (“you’re so smart”) teaches children that ability is fixed. A mistake becomes evidence they’re not smart enough. Praising effort (“you worked hard on that”) teaches them that ability develops over time.
School systems play a role. When wrong answers lose points, errors are marked publicly, and correction happens in front of peers, children learn that mistakes equal failure — not that mistakes are part of learning.
What Actually Helps
Changing a child’s relationship with mistakes usually starts with changing how the adults around them respond to mistakes.
Treat mistakes as information, not failure. “What did you notice? What might work differently next time?” moves the focus from shame to curiosity.
Praise the process. “You tried a different approach when the first one didn’t work” is more useful than “well done.”
Model it. Children learn how to handle mistakes by watching adults handle theirs. Making mistakes out loud — and responding to them calmly — is one of the most practical things a parent can do.
Create low-stakes opportunities to fail. New activities where a child is a genuine beginner help them see that everyone starts badly at things, and that it’s survivable.
Watch the language. “I can’t do this” and “I can’t do this yet” are meaningfully different. The second one leaves room for growth.
“Children who see mistakes as part of learning are more willing to attempt difficult material. The goal isn’t to eliminate all pressure — it’s to make it safe to be wrong.”
The Bigger Picture
A child who fears mistakes tends to avoid challenge, stop taking risks, and stick to what they already know. That’s a significant constraint on learning — and it tends to get harder to shift the older they get.
The good news is that this is learned behaviour, which means it responds to consistent changes in environment and adult responses. It takes time, but the direction of change is reliable.
Is your child struggling with perfectionism or fear of mistakes? Firefly Ed offers practical strategies to help parents build resilience and a healthier relationship with learning.
Firefly Ed 
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